Monday, January 30, 2017

Uncertainty

There is a great feeling of uncertainty that has come with becoming a single mum. The feeling of security and direction I felt I had in my life has been somewhat shattered. I was positive that the rest of my life would be spent living in my current home, in my current town. I was positive that I would continue to work part time while my main priority would be caring for my daughter. I had plans to do some online study so I could change jobs once Madeleine started school. I had worked hard to make my life what I wanted it to be. But everything has changed now. I don't know how long I can continue to live in this house. I don't know how I will be able to cope with trying to study online whilst also looking after my daughter on my own. Everything feels so up in the air. I don't feel secure in my life anymore. I have this constant feeling of worry that everything I love about my life could be snatched away from me at any moment. 

























I absolutely hate the fact that I am relying on benefits to live. Whilst I am so grateful that I have the option to get financial help the whole process has been confusing, frustrating and almost embarrassing. There is so much stigma attached to going on benefits I almost feel "shameful' for doing it. My biggest priority right now is to just figure out a new direction for my life. How am I going to work my way off benefits and learn how to support myself and my daughter? How am I going to solve my worries about our home?

























Despite these feelings I think I have been doing really well in trying to stay positive and move forward. I think that has a lot to do with how hard I worked on myself over the past year or so. If this had happened to me two years ago I would probably be a huge wreck lying in bed all the time and feeling sorry for myself. But I haven't been. I've still been going about my life and making the effort to fill it with things I enjoy. Of course I have my moments of sadness and stress. I've yelled at the Centerlink website about 100 times and let myself cry when I need too. But I have refused to let this stop me from enjoying my life. Especially enjoying raising my daughter. 

It is still early days and I'm sure in time I will start to figure everything out but for now this is how it is.

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