Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Returning to work

After over a year off being home to raise my daughter, the time has now come to go back to work. It's something I've known I would definitely do, but I've had very mixed feelings about it actually happening.
For a while I felt the guilt, I mean, you feel it with whatever option you choose. You feel guilty if you return to work, you feel like you should not be leaving your child. Why did I have a child in the first place if I'm just going to pay somebody else to look after her? Then you feel guilty for wanting to stay home. How can I not work? How can I leave my boyfriend to do all of the providing all by himself? But eventually, I worked through that. I got to a point where I decided what was right and what was best for me and my family. And what is right is me returning to work. It's felt 100% right for the past few months. It felt right when I gave my notice and set a date. But now, I have my work hours and I sat down and figured out the time I would have to drop my daughter off at care and the time I would pick her up. I just wanted to cry. 9 hours, twice a week in the care of somebody else. Okay, now I AM crying. It isn't even the feeling that I will be without her. It's the feeling that she will be without me. I won't be able to explain to her what is happening. I won't be able to tell her that its just temporary or that its only 2 days a week. I won't be able to let her know that she will be okay and I'll be back to get her. I know, everybody says its hard at first, I already know she is smart, she will work out what is going on quickly. But it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking to know that. It doesn't make it easier.
I think it's just something we need to get through. It's going to feel awful, but it won't take long to get used to it. It won't take long before she understands and I welcome the break away from her. It will become our new normal and it will be great for her independence and social skills. But for now, I have to accept how I feel and push forward.

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